Sometimes you eat the bear: Weekly Weight Update

     Not every week can be a winner when you are trying to get in shape and shed some pounds. Sometimes you have a burger and fries for lunch one day. Sometimes you have family pizza night on another day. It happens and it is all part of life. This week I did both of those plus another two days at clients resulting in lunch at a restaurant. I still got in my four weekly runs, getting up to 22 straight minutes on my couch to 5k app. Rizzo and I also registered for a 5k on September 19th which I'm hoping to be ready to finish in a personal best time.

     In order to cut a few additional ounces before the weigh in today I hit the road for a 2.5 mile jog. It was dark when I left but since my running speed is just slightly faster than still, the sun was coming up when I returned. I felt like getting a nice picture of the sky since living in the suburbs it isn't the easiest thing to do. I took advantage and grabbed this picture of the sunrise over my neighborhood. If you have to exercise in the morning I suppose there are worse views.

     The result this week was a gain of .2 pounds meaning I'm now up to 219.2. I basically maintained my weight but anything that is up is disappointing. I should have had some coffee this morning instead of tea and I would have been down. But as the Stranger says, "Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bar eats you". This week it looks like I ate the bear.

The Deer Runner

 

     Running is a dangerous pastime. Not a day goes by without an article in the local paper of a 6', 138 lb marathon runner twisting an ankle during mile 37 of 77 while out for his "short" mid week run. Don't worry, he will be healed in time to get in his long run over the weekend (usually between 457 and 532 miles). Boy can I relate. It was a few short weeks ago that I had my own encounter with the perils of running. I remember it like it was yesterday...(Cue the wavey screen cut into the flashback scene with a voiceover by, I don't know, lets say Wil Wheaton)

     It was a typical July afternoon in Northern Virginia. That is to say the temperature was approximately 97, the humidity hovered around 187%, and the heat waves from the asphalt gave the suburbs the appearance of a Hitchcock film. Rizzo and Cece were at the community pool when I arrived home work, which left me plenty of time to change and start pounding the pavement.

     I was on Week 5, Day 1 of my C25K app which consisted of a brisk 5-minute warm up walk, then; jog for 5 minutes; walk for 3 minutes; jog for 5 minutes; walk for 3 minutes; jog for 5 minutes; and concluded with a 5 minuted cool down walk. Since it was such a nice day (see stats above) I thought I would try out a new jogging route. I began the brisk 5-minute walk and took a path located behind our neighborhood that leads to the local wilderness area.  I use the descriptor "wilderness area" lightly because in this area you are no more than a 15 minute walk from a road, house, or McDonalds but, hey, at least there are trees.

     The run/walk was going well even through my sweat-blurred vision. The jogging persisted as per usual and I even got into the non-paved area of the trails where I had to actually run on dirt. For those of you who live in a big city, dirt is that brown stuff that is located under all the buildings and concrete. It's pretty and I suggest you go out and find some to walk around on in the near future.

     The app dinged in my Bluetooth headphones indicating that I was halfway and it was time to turn around. Yes, I have Bluetooth headphones. They were a Father's Day Gift. Shut up about it. So I'm the guy that gets all the gear to take up a sport or hobby before ever trying it out because even if I'm not good at something I want to look good doing it. Whatever. Leave me alone.

     Anyway, my self imposed torture was nearly over. Another ding in my earbuds (calling them earbuds instead of headphones makes me sound hip, right?) and I started the last 5-minute jog. Things were going swell. My sweat soaked t-shirt had increased in weight to nearly 7.5 lbs due to the moisture absorption and clung to my jiggly abdomen like glitter from the Christmas card your jerk of a cousin sent you and you are still finding stuck to your left elbow eight months later. I was in the zone. Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" was getting me pumped so I increased my pace to push myself to the finish line. That's when it happened.

     A massive object crashed directly into me from my right. With the Ke$ha blaring I didn't see it coming. Something had crushed me out of nowhere. It was heavy. Was a biker behind me tired of screaming "on your right" and just barreled past, kicking me in the process? Did I get magically transported to the set of the TV show Wipeout or MXC and was getting knocked into the fluid? Had I merely lost consciousness for a moment since the humidity had climbed to 317% during my workout?  All of these questions and more ran through my mind in a split second. When my eyes finally refocused this is what I saw!

     A doe. A deer. A female deer.  I had been hit by a deer.  A fawn to be exact. The mean little bastard (I am not implying anything about the marital status of the deer's parents; rather, I'm using the term in a derogatory context) had jumped from the underbrush just as I was jogging by and crashed directly into my right shoulder. Can you believe it? Everyone has or knows someone that has hit a deer with their car. It's because deer are stupid and are mesmerized by the sight of headlights. But have you ever heard of someone getting hit by a deer while jogging and embarrassingly listening to Ke$ha?  Well now you have.

     The doe, a deer, a female deer, scampered into the forest. I cut the rest of my workout short and staggered back to home. I had shooting pains down my right collar bone and my right shoulder ached. My left foot throbbed as I limped down the trail. I contemplated how to relay this story during the remainder of my journey. Some would say I was attacked by Bambi, a cute, little snugly creature and that makes you weak. But they would be wrong. Mother nature had attacked me and the best She could do was give me a swollen foot and a bruised shoulder.  That mean's I'm stronger than nature. Screw you little deer and screw you Mother Nature.  I cannot be defeated!

P.S. Dear Mother Nature, please do not try and prove you are better by sending a bear next time. I promise I'll be good.

P.P.S. If you send any kind of greeting card filled with glitter you are an asshole and should no longer have the right to vote.

P.P.P.S. My goal was to get a blog up for five consecutive days and I succeeded. I plan to post a blog twice a week (probably Tuesday and Friday). So all you people clamoring for a daily dose of me (both of you) will have to be patient.

Topless Pics and Running

Pale

     Sexy as hell, right? I knew you would all dive right in when you saw the title of this post. Soak it all up, ladies and gentlemen.

     We all know that when you start a weight loss/fitness journey that you have to have the before pictures. Well, I missed that boat 9 months ago when I actually started moving instead of laying around like a sack of already consumed fast food haplessly discarded in the back seat of a messy vehicle. Instead of the before pictures, you wonderful people get to enjoy the "I've lost some weight but it's hard to tell because I was so big to start with" pictures.

     This is a proud moment because I don't think I would have ever revealed such skin in prior iterations of myself. I almost didn't post pictures of my belly this time but I couldn't keep this kind of sexiness to myself. I mean who doesn't love giant red basketball shorts?

Why am I staring like a creep?

     Immediately after taking these pornographic images, I hiked up to Herndon High School (almost 5 consecutive minutes of walking) for a run. I've been running for a few months now so that isn't really news. Usually I go for a jog on some wooded trails behind our house (remind me to write up the story about how I got hit by a deer while jogging). However, today I decided to run a mile on the track and get my time. There is no reason for this other than I wanted to see what my time would be. So off I went.

     I wasn't alone on the track. I like to run alone. Just ask Rizzo about some previous 5k races she has seen me run. I don't want someone cheering me on. I just want to get the shit done and then move on to something more productive, like eating cheese balls or listing to a podcast about the TV show Frasier. Instead of being alone on the track I happened across a full-blown pickup soccer game, a football practice, and several spectators sitting in the stands checking out the dudes playing futbol/football. I was going to have to do this with an audience.  Great.

    Off I went. The first lap flew by in a scorching 2:13 seconds. Yes, I know there are 8-year-olds who can cover twice the distance in the same amount of time. Well they don't have to battle unencumbered man boobs constantly hitting their chin and knees, so I give myself the benefit of the doubt. I pushed on through lap number two keeping the same pace and crossing the line at 4:26. I was surprised to see that I was keeping the same pace through two laps and actually on a pace to run a mile in under 10 minutes, something that I have never accomplished in my 35 years of existence on this planet.

     Lap three was where I started to hit a wall.  I've been covering 2-3 or more miles on my jogs lately, but I haven't really pushed hard for a time. My goal had been to get up and move and not die. I started having a pain in my gut. You know the one. The paid that happens when you have been out running but not getting enough oxygen. Or maybe it was because I hadn't eaten dinner yet. It was nearly 6:30pm after all which is well past my "I'm really old so I eat dinner no later than 5pm" standard meal time. Either way, I thought I was slowing down but I then completed the third lap at a time of 6:53. A bit slower than the first two laps but still respectable for a man of my girth.

     It was time for the final lap. I wanted that extra push to get me over the edge and perhaps break the 10 minute milestone. So I reached for my phone to crank up my running playlist. That is when the music stopped. Nothing was coming from my headphones. What the hell just happened? How can I possibly push myself to the finish line if I don't have Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins pounding in my ears? The silence made me aware that I was breathing like an asthmatic pug. I was going to have to get this music issue fixed while running.  I tried my best but to no avail. It was time to finish this out with just the music in my head. I made sure to keep my stride in the same pace I had been for the previous three laps but without Kenny I was lost. I pushed through the pain in my side and the lack of oxygen. I crossed the finish line and staggered about a bit to catch my breath. I looked down at my watch.  9:33!  That's right gentle readers, I ran an entire mile in less than 10 minutes for the first time in my life! You would have thought I had just gone 12 rounds with Ivan Drago based upon my appearance, but I was still happy. I had worked hard and accomplished a goal that I didn't even know I had. Now it is time to set some new goals.  Next up: a single pullup.