Saturday Morning Cartoons

     Here comes a statement that will shock and amaze everyone reading; I love the weekends! I get to spend time away from work with my family and friends, doing what I want, when I want. And I love a routine. I don't mean a routine like Fred Astaire and Danny Kaye soft shoeing across the stage while singing "White Christmas" (even though I very much love that kind of routine). I love waking up on a Saturday and settling into my favorite routine, the Saturday morning farmer's market.

    I know what you are thinking. This fat jerk is about to go on like some pretentious douche telling me how everything I buy needs to come from local vendors. This hipster dillweed wants me to wake up early so I can sweat my balls off in 700% humidity just to pay twice the price for an eggplant, and I don't even like eggplant. There is no way I'm listening to this patchouli oil wearing, latte drinking, stocking cap wearing in the summer, granola eating, only vinyl music buying hack about his stupid-ass farmer's market. That is what you are thinking, right?

     Well, you're right. I am going to tell you about the joys of the farmer's market because it is the best. But before I get started you should know I'm only 1/2 hipster douche. I do purchase lots of music on vinyl (I'm sure I'll have a record store blog in the future) and I do frequent the Saturday morning farmer's market. I don't use patchouli oil because I don't want to smell like a chicken factory in the summer after a rain storm (all of my friends that went to James Madison University or lived in Harrisonburg, VA know what I'm talking about). Patchouli oil actually smells worse than body odor, so I'll go ahead and at least grab a quick rinse from time to time. I don't wear a stocking cap in the summer because the heat and humidity already make me look like Forest Whitaker in, well, every movie featuring Forest Whitaker so I don't need to keep in any more warmth in the summer. I don't eat granola. I don't actually have a sarcastic remark regarding granola. It is a perfectly healthy cereal that I just don't particularly like. And I don't drink latte's. I drink coffee with one cream and one sugar. If I wanted hot milk I would just share a bottle with my 15 month old daughter. But I do love me a farmer's market.


     Every Saturday possible, Rizzo, Cece, and I head over to Lake Anne in Reston, VA for our farmer's market adventure. It is important to fuel up before "hitting the market" (that is what I call going to the farmer's market) (I've never called going to the farmer's market "hitting the market" but now I will). Only the best fuel will do so we make our way to the Lake Anne Coffee House. This is a nice little place with lots of outdoor seating to enjoy before hitting the market (yep, I'm going to say it all the time now). Before you start shouting, "Haha, I told you this hippie was going to tell us how awesome he is starting with his locally grown, organic, gluten free, carb free, taste free bagel and his locally grown, organic, gluten free, carb free, taste free coffee", you should know that these are not the droids you're looking for. My meal consists of sausage, egg, and cheese on an English muffin with a medium coffee. Rizzo has ham, egg, and cheese on a croissant. Cece has a sausage patty and a banana. The coffee is Folger's Crystals, at best. The sausage was purchased from the discount bin at Wal-Mart, where it was bundled with Snake Eyes and Con-Air to make it a Nicolas Cage special for only $4.99. The eggs have been reconstituted from powder and lake water, so at least the water is local. I'm guessing the substance on top of our breakfast sandwiches is really "cheese style food". The baked goods are the best Wonder Bread has to offer. And the banana, well, it's a banana. Point being is even though this place is locally owned and operated, it is far from a hipster hangout. We get our breakfast here because we can park the minivan (shut up, minivans are awesome), get breakfast, and hit the market without ever moving the car.

   

     After our delicious and nutritious meal, we hit the market with the first stop almost always being the Meat Guy. I love the Valentine's Country Bakery and Meats. I call him the Meat Guy because I don't like to remember names and it is easier for me to remember that we get meat from the Meat Guy. As I'm sure you have guessed, all his meat is grass fed, free range, and fresh. Before I became a fan of the farmer's market I thought all meat was created equal and it was the person cooking the meat that would make it delicious. Boy, was I wrong. There is nothing quite as tasty as waking up on a Sunday morning and sliding Meat Guy's sausage in your mouth. His steaks are thick, juicy, and full of flavor. Meat Guy's lamb is tender and moist. His burger patties are large and delicious. No seasoning is required for any of Meat Guy's products. Just cook up the meat and let the gloriousness slide down your throat.

     You say you are a vegetarian? Fear not, because Meat Guy also brings some delicious pies for desert. Apple, cherry, and blueberry are always available with other berries mixed in for good measure. Meat lovers and vegetarians alike won't be able to resist burying their face in the cherry pie. We always make sure to pick up a pie from the Meat Guy whenever my father-in-law comes to town. He loves to eat pie and always raves about the wonderful flavor of a Meat Guy pie.

     After our sacks are filled by the Meat Guy, it is time to explore the rest of the market for the best locally grown fruits and vegetables. Before I continue, you should know that Rizzo and I have an interesting meal planning system. Each week, we decide what we will be having for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks and then that is what we eat every day for that week. That means whatever we have for lunch on Monday will be exactly the same as what we have on Friday. Some may find it too boring but we find it easy to shop for and easy to plan. Anyway, we continue hitting the market to find the best fruits and vegetables for that week. One of the best vegetable vendors is Hutt Produce. The vegetable guy always has full, plump tomatoes and fresh, firm zucchini. I think Rizzo may like it because the guys that run the stand are younger (by farmer's market standards) and I'm convinced they hit on her constantly while I'm pushing Cece around in the stroller. That doesn't bother me as long as I get the bigger zucchini when we get home.

     The family strolls the rest of the market, sampling the fruits, squeezing the vegetables, and even grabbing an occasional spoonful of ice cream. We may even get second breakfast from Empananda Lady if we are feeling really crazy. It is always sad when all of our reusable, hemp shopping bags have been filled and we must depart from this mystical garden of eden. But, just like Christmas, we know that farmer's market day will come again. At least until November, when the farmer's market is closed for the winter, doesn't open up again until May, and we have to resort to extreme measure for our meat and produce needs like, gasp, Harris Teeter. It's okay because its cold in the winter and you know what happens to meat in the cold.

Blueberries as far as the eye can see.

I love a big firm mellon

Rizzo is forever shucking corn

Gratuitous picture

     P.S. I'm very happy to report (not directly as I'm not a reporter but I am someone who can easily provide information as a fourth or fifth source without checking any of the original sources at the risk of providing the wrong information but not caring and never retracting anything I write because it is a blog, even though most people accept it as a fact no matter what is written. Yay internet!) that more and more people that rely on SNAP (what used to be referred to as food stamps) are using those funds to purchase healthy, locally grown products at farmer's markets. As reported by Food & Wine:

Since President Obama took office, the USDA has prioritized increasing access for SNAP participants to roadside farm stands, farmers' markets and direct purchases from local farmers. According to their numbers, that initiative has been a success. The number of farmers accepting SNAP grew from just 753 in 2008 to over 6,400 today—an eightfold increase. That shift resulted in a 600 percent increase in spending at these farmers' markets and other locations, totaling $18.8 million in the 2014 fiscal year.

     I make lots of jokes but I do honestly believe that having fresh food from local sources can vastly improve the health of everyone. Using SNAP funds to buy a few pounds of beef from Meat Guy or a couple ears of corn from the dudes that flirt with Rizzo is a far superior use of government dollars than using SNAP funds to buy Doritos, Coca-Cola, and Bagel Bites from the local supermarket.

     P.P.S. For full disclosure, I should note that the Lake Anne Coffee House was sold in July 2015. An article on restonnow.com indicates that the new owners plan a top-to-bottom renovation of the location and also have plans to overhaul the existing menu with locally roasted coffee and high quality baked goods. Soon I'll be able to get my locally grown yogurt (I'm pretty sure you grow yogurt) mixed with hand picked granola and on-site roasted coffee like I've always wanted.

Beer Snob: Peanut Butter Jelly Time

     I enjoy flavored beer and experimental beer. I also love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I could live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Growing up my family would take an annual summer vacation trip to Myrtle Beach, SC. We would get out early every day and I would spend the morning fighting waves, tides, and my younger cousin Daryl. After a long morning of beach activities the family would head back to our modest accommodations where I would enjoy a lunch of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a Yoohoo chocolate drink. Six days of beach festivities meant six days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and six days of Yoohoo chocolate drinks.  My point is that I know a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I see it (a statement that comes as a surprise to no one reading this blog since you have topless pictures of me).

     So when perusing the aisles at my local beer shop I came across Liquid Lunch from Terrapin Beer Company, I had to give it a try. I mean, right there on the label, the beer is described as a peanut butter and jelly porter. You have already read about my experience and love with peanut butter and jelly. You should also know that I'm partial to dark beers. Brown ale is probably my favorite but I also really enjoy porters and stouts. You can keep your overly-hoppy, grapefruit filled Indian Pale Ales. Give me a beer that is more reminiscent of motor oil, like a porter. My expectations were high for Liquid Lunch. I was hoping to get the best of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a porter.

     I was shattered the moment the dark liquid hit my taste buds. My childhood came rushing back as the distinct flavor of robitussin overwhelmed my senses. No peanut butter. No jelly. No porter. Just flashbacks to being force fed the world's worst tasting cough medicine, receiving Vick's vapor rubdowns, then climbing under a blanket to weather the illness while watching The Wizard (which starred Fred Savage and I had taped onto VHS from  HBO during one of the free HBO weekends) for the 700th time (Super Mario Brothers 3!!!!!!). Maybe the manufacturer of robitussin was trying to make a medicine that tasted like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so kids would be less resistant to choking it down. Well, robitussin failed at producing a peanut butter and jelly flavor and so did Terrapin.

     Just so you don't think I'm a hater of Terrapin Beer Company, you should know that I have had other beers from that brewery and have enjoyed them immensely. Terrapin's Liquid Bliss is a chocolate, peanut butter porter that tastes like a peanut butter cup in liquid form. It is just outstanding. The Road Warrior is not only an indie movie starring a not-yet-public-antisemitic Mel Gibson but it's also a refreshing kolsch-style beer that is perfect for any sunny summer day. Terrapin's Pumpkinfest is a subtle pumpkin beer that doesn't have overwhelming pumpkin spices and is nice on a crisp fall evening. The point is Terrapin can produce some good brews.

     I can say with certainty that unless I catch the croup I will be avoiding Liquid Lunch in the future but I won't be holding the beer against Terrapin. They can't all be winners and I applaud the effort just not the results. I'll be picking up a Terrapin Pumpkinfest this fall.

     P.S. My local beer shop is The Wine Cabinet in Reston, VA. Yes, I do know it is call The Wine Cabinet and I don't care. The folks at The Wine Cabinet carry a nice supply of local and non-local craft beers so until someone opens a all-local craft beer store in my basement I will continue to patronize The Wine Cabinet.

     P.P.S. I have a basement and I'm not opposed to working with entrepreneurs who want to lease my basement for a all-local craft beer store. All renovations, zoning, parking, and other business related construction will be your responsibility. Let me know if you are interested.

Butterflies in the sky. I can go twice as high!

     I don't remember being an avid reader when I was a kid. I wasn't opposed to reading but given the choice between watching TV or reading a book, I'm sure I picked watching TV every time. I mean, why would I sit quietly and read when I could watch Michelangelo tear into a cheese pizza while kicking Beebop in the neck?

     That being said, I do have good memories of reading when I was a kid.

     (1) Mom or Dad reading the Little Critters books. I swore I owned every single Little Critters book ever written. Of course, I was wrong but I did have a lot of them. I loved them and I loved my parents reading me the stories of Little Critter and Little Sister.

     (2) The Pizza Hut BOOK IT program. Oh, how I loved the Pizza Hut BOOK IT program. For simply reading a few short books over the summer I got to indulge in my favorite past time, eating, for free. I'd collect my stickers on my BOOK IT button and when the button was full, saunter down to the local Pizza Hut to collect my prize of a free personal pan pizza. Yes, I know that Pizza Hut pizza sucks. And yes, I also know that giving food as a reward can lead to obesity (have you seen my other blog posts and know the real reason why I'm here?) but I still have fond memories of winning that pizza.

Cece loves her some Levar Burton

     (3) Reading Rainbow. I can't remember when I started watching Reading Rainbow. I don't really remember watching it as a young kid but I do remember watching it when I was a teenager. You see, I'm a huge fan of Star Trek, The Next Generation. I'd take over the TV in my parents bedroom at 10pm and tune in to DC20 to see what kind of hi-jinks the crew of NCC 1701-D would be getting into that week. My second favorite character, behind Captain Jean-Luc Picard of course (I invited Patrick Stewart to my Boy Scout Eagle Scout Court of Honor when I was 15), was Lt. Commander Geordie La Forge as portrayed by the venerable Levar Burton.

     Then, as now, I loved to learn about the actors involved in the TV shows and movies I liked so I did some research and found La Forge hosted a kids show called Reading Rainbow. It was loads of fun, encouraging young kids to read and to explore the world. I can't point to a particular episode or a particular book from Reading Rainbow. All I remember are the feelings of happiness and joy I had while watching Kunta explore the world through books and the eyes of children.

     A little over a year ago, thanks to the wonderful(?) world of social media, I learned that Levar Burton initiated a Kickstarter campaign to bring Reading Rainbow back to the world. I didn't hesitate to contribute a modest amount ($50) and was excited to be able to participate in a noble cause for a noble cat. Turns out that I'm not the only one that loved Reading Rainbow as it went on to be one of the most successful Kickstarter campaigns of all time. This is the part where I should provide you stats as to how much was raised and provide a link to the video Levar Burton posted thanking all the contributors but I'm not going to do that. You know why? Because sometimes you have to do some work for yourself in this big cruel world, so take a few minutes and Ask Jeeves.

    With my help (thank you, thank you) Reading Rainbow is back online and available on Netflix. The current generation of kids can learn the joys of reading from the man himself, Levar Burton. Take a look, its in a book, a Reading Rainbow.

     In high school I was turned off to reading. Not because I didn't want to read but because I was told what I had to read and that I had to analyze every little detail of every little aspect of every little sentence on every little page. It drove me crazy. Not every single work worth reading has some deeper meaning. Yes, I understand that literature can include a bit of interpretation and perhaps try to relate a deeper moral philosophy. I just wished my AP English Teacher would concede that sometimes a book is just a book. It might be funny, it might be scary, it might be exciting, it might be sad but it doesn't always have to have two or three meanings. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

     During and after college, I finally had and have the opportunity to read what I like and I discovered I like to read lots different things. Not only that, I found that I love books. I'll give you some of my specific book recommendations a little later on but I wanted to write for a moment on the idea of loving books. The older I got the more I wanted to have a library in my house. I pictured the ladder on wheels rolling around a room with shelf after shelf of books. I envisioned mahogany tables with ancient manuscripts being analyzed by an older Wesley sitting comfortably in an over sized leather chair . Of course this is ridiculous because I live in the real world and not a Dickensian novel. So when Rizzo and I bought our house we decided to turn one of the rooms into a more real-life library. Our library includes shelves full of our favorite books and big chairs for settling in to read. Not pictured is the artwork on the walls and the couch against the back wall.  We created a space to sit down, have a cup of tea, and read a good book. It may not be the massive room that smells of ancient books from my vision and I don't spend nearly as much time as I should in this room but it is far and away my favorite room in our home.

     To wrap up what is quickly becoming my longest blog post thus far I wanted to give just a couple of examples of my favorite reading materials. I'm not going to give you a in depth analysis of each book or even an extended description of the book. If you want to know more, read them. I just want to give a few sentences of each and why I love the book.

     The Story of B by Daniel Quinn on the surface tells the story of a Catholic priest who is charged with following a "preacher" through Europe to determine if this "preacher" is the Antichrist. The real purpose of the novel is to challenge the readers perspective on our society and our culture. I feel like reading this book really opened my mind to new ideas and perspectives of the world. Quinn asks that the reader consider how each person can "change the world" without being preachy (ironically since the story is about a priest). He combines a linear story-telling style with texts from speeches given by the titular B to provide an alternative prospective on history and our culture. I know what your thinking? Didn't this guy just write about how sometimes a book is just a book and doesn't have to have some deeper meaning? I did just write that and I stick to it. The preceding is just my perspective. If you have read Story of B and didn't have the same interpretation or didn't even find the book anything other than and interesting story, then good on you. I'm not offended.

     John Adams by David McCullough is a wild romp of three Amish teens exploring drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll during rumspringa in 1980s New York City. OK you caught me. That was just a joke. John Adams is a biography of our fifth President, Woodrow Wilson. Not right either? OK you caught me again. John Adams by David McCullough doesn't bury the lead in the title. This is a biography of one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, first Vice-President of the U.S., and second President of the United States, John Adams. I'm a big history nerd especially when it comes to the colonial period before the American Revolution and US History through the Civil War. I love reading everything I can find about this period and the people who built the foundation of our nation. David McCullough writes beautifully and simply about the life of John Adams and the role he played in building the United States. I especially loved learning of Adams relationship with his wife, Abigail, and the mutual love and respect John and Abigail had for each other. John and Abigail spent significant time apart during the building of the United States requiring them to write letters often. What the Adamses lost during their time apart was posterity's gain because the letters left behind a written record of the work of John Adams, the advice and insight Abigail Adams provided, and the love each had for the other.
   

 Casino Royale is Ian Fleming's first adventure of James Bond. I love James Bond. Who doesn't (I know you are out there so don't write me saying you hate James Bond. This is just a figure of speech)? As I'm sure you have guessed, this book takes James Bond on an adventure through the world of casinos, restaurants, fast cars, fast women, guns, fights, spies, and espionage. I picked Casino Royale to include on my list since it is the first book written by Ian Fleming featuring James Bond. I could have selected any of Fleming's other 007 novels as I love them all. The books are just fun and exciting. There isn't some underlying metaphor in these novels. Bond isn't trying to compensate for some shortcoming by driving around in cars with giant engines (shut up, no he isn't). All the 007 books tell wonderfully crafted stories that take the reader away into a different world. Some may call them beach books because you can read a few of these novels during a week long vacation sitting on a beach. I love them.

     Finally, I give you Red Sun by Mark Millar, a graphic novel that turns the table on Superman. The story of Superman is widely known. An alien landing on earth in the United States mid west. The alien is given the name Clark Kent, is raised by the good hearted Kents, learns he has super powers, and grows up to be a fighter for truth, justice and the American Way. Well what if the alien had crashed in the farms of soviet Russia. How would Superman be different? How would the entire would be different? This is what Mark Millar explores in Red Sun. Superman is still fighting, only now it is for truth, justice, and Mother Russia. I included this to show that reading can come in many varieties. Graphic novels and comic books can be read and tell just as intricate and entertaining stories as novels.
          Go right ahead and judge some of my favorites. I might have been offended in the past but not anymore. I am what I am and I like what I like. It's not important that you enjoy reading what I enjoy reading. What is important is to read as much as you can so you can find what you like. There is a book for everyone out there. I hope you find yours.

     P.S. I believe that reading to kids from birth is very important. I have no scientific basis for this but I have that gut feeling that reading to a kid is a good thing. The kid gets to spend quality time with whomever is doing the reading (Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Sibling, Cousin, Care Giver) and learn something new.

     In her blog in the New York Times, Dr. Perri Glass discusses a study in the journal Pediatrics that analyzed the brain activity of 3-5 year old children as they listened to age appropriate stories. I'm no doctor (clearly based upon my monosyllabic writing style and absence of a white lab coat), but if I'm reading the article correctly, the study showed that the parts of the brain responsible for integrating sound and visual stimulation lights up like a pinball machine when kids hear books read out loud. The good doctor (and the study) seem to think that this indicates the kids are creating a world in the minds eye. So if you are reading to your kid about the wart on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea, your kid can think "I caught a frog once in the back yard so I know what that looks like. And Daddy can't stop talking about how the giant wart on Great Aunt Kathy's nose looks like Greedo from Star Wars" and now the kid can visualize the wart on the frog. The study suggests that kids getting more activation in this part of their brain may develop skills that will help them make images and stories out of words later in life.

     This is definitely a good thing. If all I have to do is read age appropriate books to Cece to guarantee she will write the next Star Wars trilogy then I'm all for it. I mean, someone has to keep Star Wars alive once JJ Abrams is done and it's not going to be me. I don't have the energy to write a movie script, or a novel, or a short story, or even what would qualify as a half-way decent blog. I'm not just reading "Are You My Mother?" for the 300th time tonight, I'm helping to spark her imagination so Cece can create her own universe. So Cece, let's find that Snort again.

     P.S. to the P.S. Cece, if in 20 years Skynet hasn't taken over the planet and you are able and willing to read this, please keep the following in mind while creating your own universe. (1) Vampires do not glisten in the sunlight like a goddamn magic show. (2) The Hunger Games is not real. You cannot light your dress on fire and expect to look good. (3) Han shot first. (4) Not everything has to have some deeper meaning. Sometimes a movie is just a movie and a book is just a book, so try to enjoy them.

     Entertainment is important so stop analyzing this shit. Shit. (This sentence is a shout out to Joe so don't worry if you don't get the inside joke).
   

     P.P.S. I love living in Herndon, VA. It wasn't until recently that I learned that Herndon has a Little Free Library that is available to everyone. The concept is simple, if you take a book you, leave a book.

     The library is outside right in the middle of downtown Herndon so it is easily accessible and never closes. You may not be able to see from the picture but the top shelf is labeled adult, the middle shelf teen, and the bottom shelf kid.

     I love this idea because it provides a resource for books, especially those who may not be as privileged as others. Owning lots of books is a luxury that many cannot afford but thanks to programs like this there is always a way go get access to something new to read.

Barbershop Quartet

    
    

     When you think of a barbershop, what images pop into your head? Do you think of a spinning pole with the iconic colors inviting you in for a trim and a shave? Racks of 6 month old Sports Illustrated waiting to have the pages turned with no reading involved simply because they happen to be available?   

     The traditional barbershop is dead. I'm not downtrodden about this in the least. I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of other dudes I don't know and shoot the shit about the days events while waiting to have my hair cut. I'm a modern man that doesn't want to talk to anyone or be talked to while I get my modest follicles removed from my cranium. Call it what you will (introverted, shy, stuck up, snooty, dick) but I like to walk into the barbershop, give them my order, and get it done.

     I may be complicated but I want the feeling of nostalgia that comes from the barbershop without the interaction involved with the classic barbershop. This is a simple list of things I want from my barber shop:

     (1) A TV that is playing something that I want to watch

Yes, I'm bald.

     (2) A barber (not a stylist) who asks me what I want done and then asks questions before providing the service to clarify my request. This is not a gender biased statement. A barber can be a woman and a stylist can be a man. A stylist will offer suggestions, saying things like "you should consider growing out your hair to give it more body" or "have you ever considered Rogaine combined with protein packs to give you more bounce and allow you to have more play with your style"? I don't need that. I'm nearly bald and I'm fine with that. Be a barber, listen to what I want, then do it. I don't want your suggestions.

     (3) The barber shop must offer a beard trim. My beard is part of my head and is also a vital part of my style. Without a beard I would appear to be a 15-year old boy. This becomes really sad for said 15-year old boy when he discovers he is prematurely bald and is mocked by the bullies at school.

     I need a professional from time to time to keep my beard properly shaped.  As I have been bearded for over 15 years I am quite good at maintaining a proper length of facial hair.  I do, however, like a professional to give my face a once over from time to time.

    And barber (yes, I'm talking directly to the barber), I have a beard. I don't have a five o'clock shadow, or a mustache, or a soul patch. Don't shave my face and call it a beard trim. If I wanted people to see the skin around my lips and jawline I would shave myself, thank you very much.

     (4) The barber shop must offer a shave. This is where my nostalgia comes into play. There is nothing quite as relaxing as leaning back in a chair with some hot lather covering your face and the feel of a straight razor slowly slicing away those pesky neck hairs.  After the shave, clean my face with a warm towel and apply some aftershave.

     This is a list of things I don't want from a barber shop:

     (1) Talking. I don't want to tell you about my day. I don't want to chitchat about the weather. We both know that you don't give two shits about where I work or if I'm from the area. You really don't want to know and I really don't want to tell you.  And I don't care that your left foot hurts because you were out jogging and a deer crashed into you while you were rocking out the Ke$ha. I want to sit in silence and watch a baseball game while you use the number 2 clipper guard across my entire dome-piece.

     (2) Product.  I don't really know when we as a people decided that goop we put in our hair should be deemed product. Isn't every physical item purchased a product? No, only product is product.  Anyway, do you see my head in the picture above? Do you think I need Vidal Sassoon to keep my flowing locks from blowing in the breeze? Those of you blessed to hair like Michael in The Peanut Butter Solution (after using the potion) won't know this, but there is "product" for bald guys.  I swear to you that I have been offered bald head balm after more than one haircut. Because it isn't bad enough that I'm bald. Now you want to cause mass casualties by waxing up my head so the sun will reflect back into the sky bringing down overhead aircraft.  I live near a major international airport so please be more thoughtful when offering "product" for my head.

     (3) Massage. I was at a so-called barber shop about five years ago while living in Falls Church, VA. Things were going well. There had been no talking and my hair had been clipped to the appropriate length. There was no shave, but hey, I could live with that. Then, without request or offer, the barber began to massage my shoulders. It wasn't too bad but then it got weird.  Her arms went down the neck hole of my shirt, massaging my back and shoulders directly. Skin to skin.

     As we all know, I am working out to get in better shape, That does not prevent me from sweating. Like, a lot, and this day was no exception. So this person was sliding her fingers across the moisture covered skin that is my back as if I would appreciate the attention to detail. I am not paying for being molested and you should take a shower immediately after running your fingers across the Great Dismal Swamp that is my back during the summer (yes, I understand that is really gross).

     If you are like me, fear not, because barber shops for us do exist. It only took me 35 years, 7 months, 20 days, 17 hours, 33 minutes, and 17 seconds to find one. Barber Lounge on Elden Street in Herndon, VA (no, I am not above plugging places and locations that I like. Maybe I can get some free shit). Barber Lounge gave me everything I wanted from my list, even the straight razor shave, and nothing from the list of things I don't want. Barber Lounge even went above and beyond my desires. Not only is there a TV playing something I want to watch; every booth has it's own TV. So I can watch Drop Dead Diva (shut up) without bothering the guy next to me watching the second round of the international snake charming championship on Fox Sports 1. Barber Lounge also uses a gown with a clear plastic window right around the crotch region. The more perverted of us are thinking about one reason for this, but the real reason is to provide the smartphone addicted customer the ability to catch up on Kim Kardashian's selfies and still keep the discarded follicles off their Haggar slacks. All for a steal at $28.

     So thank you, Barber Lounge, for cutting my hair, trimming my beard, shaving my neck, and not talking to me.

     P.S. To all those stylists out there in the world, I don't hate you. You have a very important place in the world providing a wonderful service to those who are folliclely challenged (bald is not politically correct). I just require your services in my barber shop.  (See my head above)